Tired of explaining to hikers walking by what that “thing” on your back is? Me too.

It can be a daunting task: Explaining how you love climbing small rocks but usually aren’t successful and thus require cloth-encased foam to fall onto when you fail, yet again, at your “project.” Many hikers will ultimately be uninterested, most will leave still having no idea what bouldering is, and occasionally you’ll find yourself in a 30-minute conversation with an overly curious individual who thinks you’re the bravest soul alive but is really just keeping you from climbing.

Avoid this catastrophe with one of these alternative responses:* 

1. The worst backpack I’ve ever bought: It’s bulky, catches on trees, and you have to put another backpack with your stuff inside of it.
2. Wilderness mattress. I can nap anywhere without searching for the perfect trees to hang my hammock from.
3. Portable raft for mountain lakes.
4. Safety pad: If I trip and fall over backward hiking, it gives me a soft landing. Sometimes I wear one on the front too.
5. The ultimate picnic “blanket.”
6. An anywhere yoga mat. Rocks, logs, bear scat on the ground—no problem! This guy covers it all.
7. Mediterranean love pad.
8. Senior pet bed. My dog is old and deserves to be comfortable.
9. Backpack loveseat sofa.
10. No idea. A guy back on the trail gave me 20 bucks to hike it to his buddy on the other side of the park. He said not to open it; it’s carrying “magic fluff.”

*Disclaimer: CoffeeTapeClimb is not responsible for any unfortunate reactions to these responses. Choose wisely.