The Official Rules of COVID-19

Airport rules = COVID-19 rules. You can drink a beer for breakfast, ignore all other humans that may be in your general vicinity, and play on your phone as much as you’d like.

You can be naked in your house 23/7. Unless you don’t have to turn on your camera for work Zoom meetings, then make that 24/7.

Take your normal bedtime and push it back 2-3 hours: Voila, you have your COVID bedtime.

COVID-19 calories don’t count. And President Trump has declared all baked goods (and disinfectants) as having negative calories until the economy is on the upswing. You know this is true, because every athlete you follow on Instagram is baking bread right now AND is magically still shredded.

Sweatpants = the official leg-wear of COVID-19. Leggings are also okay, but only if you slept in them last night.

official outfit of spring 2020
The Official Outfit of Spring 2020

Drinking ‘alone’ is a-okay as long as you’re ‘participating’ in a Zoom Happy Hour.

Chocolate is a breakfast food, especially when breakfast now happens between the hours of 11a and 3p. Some would try to call that brunch, but when you’re eating Reese’s Puffs in bed for your first meal of the day it’s still breakfast.

Your bed is no longer just for sleeping and sex. It’s also great for working, chatting with friends, watching Tiger King for the 5th time, ‘stretching’, relaxing, reading, snacking, and pretty much everything except using the bathroom.
Pro tip: When baking in bed, don’t put your toaster oven on the bed itself, that’s what your nightstand is for. 

Showers are optional for the month of April.

Laundry is also optional.

As is changing your clothes.*

And setting your alarm. 

Anything counts as training. Reaching into the fridge to grab a jug of milk: training. Walking to the bathroom: training. One door frame pull-up: you’d better chug a protein shake cause that was training.

Hangboarding is now cool. As are floor abs, hanging abs, yoga warm-ups, and taking a stroll around the neighborhood with a bandanna over your face.

*Changing underwear is not optional. You should do that at least every other day.

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